Vance turned 5 yesterday...

A flood of emotions hit me yesterday. My very special boy turned 5 years old. What a whirlwind it has been having him in our lives!. You'd think that coming to grips with his Cerebral Palsy would be a once and done thing... But i struggle almost daily in knowing how to deal. I feel pain and sadness and maybe even anger that he can't keep up with other kids. Anger when he gets so nasty, even tho i know it's cuz he is frustrated. Guilty that I'm not a better mom. Overwhelmed by all the doctor visits and therapies we need to attend. Worried about another seizure happening. Fearful that he will get hurt and I wasn't there to help.
Will he blame me for life being too hard? Or not challenging enough? Will he blame me for decisions we will make that may end up being less than the best? I can't know all the answers and I wish I could! Is there a way I could be doing something better? Am I missing something? Will my heart always ache this way? I feel guilty for looking at other families whose kids are all "normal" and feeling jealous that everything seems to run so smoothly. I feel guilty for wishing at times that life was a little more simple and a little less complicated.
I'm thankful for a God who hears the cry of my heart everyday and just loves me and reassures me that he understands.
The passage below jumped out at me the other day as I was reading to the kids... God has a reason and a purpose for Van. I may not be so good at seeing it all the time, but i know that I believe it!

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work.  But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
John 9:1‭-‬5 NLT
http://bible.com/116/jhn.9.1-5.NLT

Wal-Mart with the Crazies...

Yesterday started out like any other day... Bible time & reading a book with the kids. School to be complained about... Fights here and there. And then we had to leave for a doctor check-up for Van.. Myself and four of the kids (Dustin stayed with Matt) went to the doctor's office... And while it was typical kid stuff (fidgeting and asking for snacks) we survived ok. Then we headed to Wal-Mart. I'm not sure what black magic is used at this place, but it turns perfectly normal times... Into utter chaos! We walk in to see a "bus" made for kids to peek thru surrounded by cereal boxes. Yes, it began right there. They were fighting and knocking boxes off. So moving on... We head to the clothes department... I needed shorts for Dustin... Was hoping we could survive til next year, but he had out-grown everything... And I found his size shorts on sale for $1 each! Score! This was gonne be a good trip!... Ummm... Not. We continued shopping for my list of items as fast as I could. About this time, my Sis-in-law met up with us so we did make a stop for auntie Anne's pretzels in the middle of shopping, cuz I was starving. Both my boys pooped their diapers. I had put wet wipes one diaper for each kid... So perfect! I was on top of things... The kids were loud and crazy but we managed to make it out of there without breaking anything but the auntie Anne's employee's eardrums. Lol. Back to shopping... Dun-dun-dun..... We walked by the toys. This stop took a bit longer than it should have but since it will be Van's bday on Monday, I let him pick a toy. Kitkat starts from then on asking why she can't get Legos and I calmly explain that I never said she could buy her legos until the week was over and then only if school was all done! About this time, Erik poops again. Kids are wild, I'm trying to finish my shopping, and Cede needs to go to the bathroom for the 4th time I think. So I take her and Erik ... My genius plan was to dump the poop in the potty (yes... cuz It was just poop balls) and re-apply diaper... But the plan back-fired on me when halfway thru dumping... He starts peeing all over the floor. I pick him up and hold him over the potty... Too late, all done. So I pull him out of the stall, wipe him up, reapply only the shorts which I had been holding, put a big pile of paper towels over the pee and vacate the bathroom as quickly as possible. I head back to Mia and the rest of the kids. Tell her that I need to check out as quickly as possible so I can get a diaper on him... Cue 13 year old arguing with me... For like 10 min about how I should let her buy the Lego set now... And... Erik peed again. Sitting in the cart, it gets all over the items under the cart. Gross! I quickly start wiping all that up with napkins from Mia's purse. Erik is flipping out b/c now his shirt and pants are both wet. I strip him down and try to find something on clearance in his size, but nothing, so i throw a Dustin-sized clearance shirt over my naked kid and head toward the register. This entire time, Cede has been bugging me because she has an old band-aid she needs a trashcan for and Vance is doing the usual crazy wildness he does. I get to the register and hold up the naked kid to be scanned. Thankfully when you look as crazy as i did... No one bothers to ask you questions... They just scan items as fast as possible to get you out of there! 
And after all that... Matt and Dustin still wanted us to meet them at Red Robin for dinner. So, I put on a little lipstick, and headed into dinner with a pouting/angry 13 yr old, compliant/clueless 8 year old, loud/rammy almost 5 yr old & half-naked 2 yr old... What an adventure. And to top off the crazy day, when we got home, the 8yr old came crying that she could not find her phone (an old out dated device she uses to play games on)... So after getting most of the kids ready for bed, she and I headed back out to retrieve her phone. But the trip there was probably just what I needed. She and I sang "old time rock & roll" ... And just chatted. She looked as happy as a clam to be one-on-one with me. There is no moral or ahh-hah moment to this story. It's just me, recording my absolutely insane kinda day.