A flood of emotions hit me yesterday. My very special boy turned 5 years old. What a whirlwind it has been having him in our lives!. You'd think that coming to grips with his Cerebral Palsy would be a once and done thing... But i struggle almost daily in knowing how to deal. I feel pain and sadness and maybe even anger that he can't keep up with other kids. Anger when he gets so nasty, even tho i know it's cuz he is frustrated. Guilty that I'm not a better mom. Overwhelmed by all the doctor visits and therapies we need to attend. Worried about another seizure happening. Fearful that he will get hurt and I wasn't there to help.
Will he blame me for life being too hard? Or not challenging enough? Will he blame me for decisions we will make that may end up being less than the best? I can't know all the answers and I wish I could! Is there a way I could be doing something better? Am I missing something? Will my heart always ache this way? I feel guilty for looking at other families whose kids are all "normal" and feeling jealous that everything seems to run so smoothly. I feel guilty for wishing at times that life was a little more simple and a little less complicated.
I'm thankful for a God who hears the cry of my heart everyday and just loves me and reassures me that he understands.
The passage below jumped out at me the other day as I was reading to the kids... God has a reason and a purpose for Van. I may not be so good at seeing it all the time, but i know that I believe it!
As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work. But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
John 9:1-5 NLT
http://bible.com/116/jhn.9.1-5.NLT
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