Merry Christmas!

Yesterday was Christmas!
It was a good day! Kids woke up to find santa had left a big Ninjago Lego set for them all to share. Then we went to my moms and spent the day. Matt slept most of it... But that was ok. I got to talk and play games. So crazy... My baby is 2 1/2... So I didn't have to spend half my day nursing a baby or any of that this year. In fact, Erik even agreed to plays games with Phoebe. Was a pretty good day!
We got home around 7:45 to let the dog out and put kids to bed. Kids were pretty much asleep or quiet by 9:30. So Matt and I watched Guardians of the galaxy 2.
All in all... Not a bad Christmas.

Battle of the blues...

When winter weather sets in... I get blue... While I love the search for the perfect gift, and the smell of pine. The very real fact that sickness is everywhere is almost paralyzing. I fear germs everywhere. The cold weather makes my joints hurt. And I become... Blue. Depressed. Overwhelmed. I battle it daily. This year is no exception. I feel like I'm it gets worse each year... Which freaks me out! Getting together with people only feeds the fear... Fear of catching something from them, or fear of giving them some bug that we didn't even know we had.
Vance has been diagnosed with epilepsy...and so has added doctor appointments... Increasing my fear. He has started on medication... Which is to be given twice a day... Which is so stressful. I feel so consumed with my own fear and frustrations that I have little left over. Where is the joy? How do I deal with all this and still show Joy?!! I have eternal hope and joy... I know that. But I'm talking daily joy. How do I stay joyful in the sickness and the stress and pain?

Vance turned 5 yesterday...

A flood of emotions hit me yesterday. My very special boy turned 5 years old. What a whirlwind it has been having him in our lives!. You'd think that coming to grips with his Cerebral Palsy would be a once and done thing... But i struggle almost daily in knowing how to deal. I feel pain and sadness and maybe even anger that he can't keep up with other kids. Anger when he gets so nasty, even tho i know it's cuz he is frustrated. Guilty that I'm not a better mom. Overwhelmed by all the doctor visits and therapies we need to attend. Worried about another seizure happening. Fearful that he will get hurt and I wasn't there to help.
Will he blame me for life being too hard? Or not challenging enough? Will he blame me for decisions we will make that may end up being less than the best? I can't know all the answers and I wish I could! Is there a way I could be doing something better? Am I missing something? Will my heart always ache this way? I feel guilty for looking at other families whose kids are all "normal" and feeling jealous that everything seems to run so smoothly. I feel guilty for wishing at times that life was a little more simple and a little less complicated.
I'm thankful for a God who hears the cry of my heart everyday and just loves me and reassures me that he understands.
The passage below jumped out at me the other day as I was reading to the kids... God has a reason and a purpose for Van. I may not be so good at seeing it all the time, but i know that I believe it!

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?” “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him. We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work.  But while I am here in the world, I am the light of the world.”
John 9:1‭-‬5 NLT
http://bible.com/116/jhn.9.1-5.NLT

Wal-Mart with the Crazies...

Yesterday started out like any other day... Bible time & reading a book with the kids. School to be complained about... Fights here and there. And then we had to leave for a doctor check-up for Van.. Myself and four of the kids (Dustin stayed with Matt) went to the doctor's office... And while it was typical kid stuff (fidgeting and asking for snacks) we survived ok. Then we headed to Wal-Mart. I'm not sure what black magic is used at this place, but it turns perfectly normal times... Into utter chaos! We walk in to see a "bus" made for kids to peek thru surrounded by cereal boxes. Yes, it began right there. They were fighting and knocking boxes off. So moving on... We head to the clothes department... I needed shorts for Dustin... Was hoping we could survive til next year, but he had out-grown everything... And I found his size shorts on sale for $1 each! Score! This was gonne be a good trip!... Ummm... Not. We continued shopping for my list of items as fast as I could. About this time, my Sis-in-law met up with us so we did make a stop for auntie Anne's pretzels in the middle of shopping, cuz I was starving. Both my boys pooped their diapers. I had put wet wipes one diaper for each kid... So perfect! I was on top of things... The kids were loud and crazy but we managed to make it out of there without breaking anything but the auntie Anne's employee's eardrums. Lol. Back to shopping... Dun-dun-dun..... We walked by the toys. This stop took a bit longer than it should have but since it will be Van's bday on Monday, I let him pick a toy. Kitkat starts from then on asking why she can't get Legos and I calmly explain that I never said she could buy her legos until the week was over and then only if school was all done! About this time, Erik poops again. Kids are wild, I'm trying to finish my shopping, and Cede needs to go to the bathroom for the 4th time I think. So I take her and Erik ... My genius plan was to dump the poop in the potty (yes... cuz It was just poop balls) and re-apply diaper... But the plan back-fired on me when halfway thru dumping... He starts peeing all over the floor. I pick him up and hold him over the potty... Too late, all done. So I pull him out of the stall, wipe him up, reapply only the shorts which I had been holding, put a big pile of paper towels over the pee and vacate the bathroom as quickly as possible. I head back to Mia and the rest of the kids. Tell her that I need to check out as quickly as possible so I can get a diaper on him... Cue 13 year old arguing with me... For like 10 min about how I should let her buy the Lego set now... And... Erik peed again. Sitting in the cart, it gets all over the items under the cart. Gross! I quickly start wiping all that up with napkins from Mia's purse. Erik is flipping out b/c now his shirt and pants are both wet. I strip him down and try to find something on clearance in his size, but nothing, so i throw a Dustin-sized clearance shirt over my naked kid and head toward the register. This entire time, Cede has been bugging me because she has an old band-aid she needs a trashcan for and Vance is doing the usual crazy wildness he does. I get to the register and hold up the naked kid to be scanned. Thankfully when you look as crazy as i did... No one bothers to ask you questions... They just scan items as fast as possible to get you out of there! 
And after all that... Matt and Dustin still wanted us to meet them at Red Robin for dinner. So, I put on a little lipstick, and headed into dinner with a pouting/angry 13 yr old, compliant/clueless 8 year old, loud/rammy almost 5 yr old & half-naked 2 yr old... What an adventure. And to top off the crazy day, when we got home, the 8yr old came crying that she could not find her phone (an old out dated device she uses to play games on)... So after getting most of the kids ready for bed, she and I headed back out to retrieve her phone. But the trip there was probably just what I needed. She and I sang "old time rock & roll" ... And just chatted. She looked as happy as a clam to be one-on-one with me. There is no moral or ahh-hah moment to this story. It's just me, recording my absolutely insane kinda day.

February 12th...

Well, on the 9th (Thursday) Erik turned 2! Can't believe by baby is 2... How fast these 2 years have flown!! We had a nice day at home... Playing in the snow! Just the day before we were outside in short sleeves... But on the 9th, we had snow! Was crazy!
On Friday the 10th, mom B. Picked up the girls and she had them over to spend the night. That evening, Matt stayed with Dustin and Erik while Van and I ran out for a much needed hair cut. Followed by a little shopping at Target.
Saturday, the 11th was busy. Amanda and her boys came over for breakfast, and mom brought the girls home and we all celebrated Erik's b-day. We let the kids go crazy, had coffee and worked on the candy puzzle we started several days prior.  Then in the evening, Mark and Mia came over and brought chili for dinner. We had not seen them in a long time. So that was fun!
Sunday, today, the 12th. We made it to church... Almost on time. Then came home and made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Then I worked on the puzzle for a bit while Matt went to the gym. Then clean up and small group. Then clean up again. Lol.
So blessed to have such a nice place to host people! Matt really did an awesome job picking this place out!
Tomorrow we plan to meet with the special ed guy from Antietam township... So I'm curious how that is gonna go. Hoping/praying that he is open to working with homeschoolers!
Well, that's it for now. :)

February 8th...

Today I feel...
Well, I honestly do not know how to describe it. This morning was great! Got up on time, did Bible time with kids, got to therapy on time, Van behaved and is doing well, came home to make lunch and let the kids play out side... Beautiful day! Then at 1:30 I took off with Van for another Easter Seals appointment to meet with a neurologist. This was to discuss the two seizures that Van has had over the last 6 months. And wham... When he gave him a "clinical diagnosis" of epilepsy... I believe the world started spinning. I figured he would just tell me to keep an eye on him and check back in again in like 6mo.... No, he instead strongly suggested that we put him on anti-seizure meds right away.
I do not even know what to do. What is the right answer? I'm so sad and tired!
Came home and decided to ignore all chores and start the 1000 piece puzzle that Dustin got from Hobby Lobby last night.
So thankful that Dad B. Offered to bring a pizza. I didn't feel like cooking or even ordering take-out.
I feel so drained. I need wisdom to know what to do!

February 7th...

Well... I start with today. Had a meeting with Easter Seals. Van needs a new brace again. They got the wrong x-rays so I'm not sure how his hips are doing, but they will tell us when they know. Then he had a Valentine party at the BCIU with his group class. His friends are Aubrey, Jack, and Ben. His teachers are Miss Steph and Miss Marina. He loves that class! Then tonight we went as a family to Hobby Lobby and then dinner at Panera. Such a fun time!

Last week was a rough one! Last Tuesday Erik got sick. So I kept Van home on Wednesday. By Thursday night, Van, Kitkat and I were all very sick with the puke bug. We were in bed all day Friday and Saturday was not a fun day. I had a pounding headache all day. By Sunday i was feeling almost human again. And by yesterday I was finally eating almost normal again. I'm praying that no one else gets it!!!

Tomorrow Van and I have speech class together and then at 2pm we have another appointment at Easter Seals to talk to the neurologist about the 2 seizures he had. We are praying for wisdom and understanding. This journey has been unsettling and nerve-wracking for sure. I'm thankful we have a God we can rely on, trust in, and find comfort in!

I've been reading the Bible to the kids almost every morning. I Love it. I believe it is changing us. I've also been reading Little Pilgrims Progress. What a great book to read with the kids.

Well... That is all the update I have for now.